Drizzleshire Constabulary Superintendent recruitment – “The parachute scheme”
Position: Police Superintendent
Salary: Significantly more than £19k
- The ability to gain 20 years worth of operational policing experience from a 15 month training course.
- No understanding of the complex requirements of your local community, nor how to provide round-the-clock policing.
- Experience in wielding the axe of redundancy when budgets don’t cover officer salaries.
- Outstanding delegation skills for situations where you don’t have a clue what to do.
- A complete lack of comprehension of, and insensitivity to the life changing situations the officers under your command deal with on a daily basis.
- A ‘can do’ attitude towards the reforms and agendas implemented by those in power.
- A proven track record of business management that is not compatible with policing or public sector priorities.
We will provide:
- A cosy office within walking distance of the HQ canteen and far removed from the reality of policing.
- A Personal Assistant with more police knowledge than you.
- An executive vehicle. Don’t worry you won’t get an underpowered, high mileage, knackered old family hatchback.
- An entire borough of weary and demoralised officers to command.
- Access to the best computer software for monitoring non- existent performance targets and shrinking budgets.
- A ‘Policing By Numbers” manual for all your operational needs.
- A comprehensive training course in how to deal with ‘role play’ incidents. They are just like the real thing.
- A uniform that will never really fit.
Applications on a postcard to Drizzleshire Constabulary HQ by the closing date.
Courtesy of PC Bobby McPeel